"Expectations are premeditated resentments." True or false?
In today’s episode, Lar and I are discussing expectations and the affect they have on our relationships and life itself.
Expectations are a form of magical thinking brought over from childhood when we couldn’t distinguish our own associations and what happened. Like we’re upset with a sibling who get hurt and we think our anger caused it.
There a so many ways that we have expectations. Expectations that things will work out a certain way. But what happen when those expectation don’t?
We develop expectations due to social norms as grow up. And when we attach meaning to those expectations being met we create a subtle barrier to all other possibilities.
We grow up believing that it’s legit to expect people to behave according to social norms. And that leads to blame and resentment.
Expectations like anything else can lead to positive outcomes —
For instance, I wake up each day and spend the first few hours in stillness and love —what I call having coffee with the Divine, letting the peace and joy of presence fill me and set my day for presence — in openness and love.
— It makes sense after years of this ritual that I expect to have a yummy experience — because my previous experiences have shown me that the expectation is reasonable.
But too often expectations come out of a dissatisfaction with where we are and we determine what need to happen so we’ll be happy or feel successful and then set an expectation on the events or people in our lives to fill it.
We attach meaning to to the outcome and when the expectation isn’t met we feel we’ve failed or that someone else, some system, partner or team has failed us. We forget that we have given everything all the meaning it has for us. And attaching our happiness to expectations of a certain outcome takes us out of present time and cuts us off from the fluidity of working in concert with life as it arises moment by moment.
In relationships expectations can lead lack of communication. It leads us to making assumptions about how that the person will meet them. Then we extend our withdraw our love according to whether or not the person meets them. That’s not love. It is condition. It is not only unrealistic, it is a set up for resentment.
Love is unconditional — expectation free.
For instance, if we believe ‘if you love me, you’ll support me in everything I do.” And if you don’t —you don’t love me. But what about when I’m acting in way that is out of integrity? Or as Lar says, ‘when I’m being a dick.’
Love asks us to reach beyond expectations and into the present moment — letting the current circumstances and our true feelings to alter our responses so that communication stays open.
Expecting life to always turn out the way you want is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life will not always turn out the way you want it to. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment leads to resentment.
You’ve all heard my mantra: “Everything goes my way.”
Where today’s topic is concerned, *Everything goes my way’ because I accept what is. and leave expectation where it belongs — somewhere in the fantasy world.
The opportunity of each experience is to know ourselves better. We can use moments where we feel icky — like seeing that we have had an expectation that things will go a certain way — it is an opportunity to look within and uncover our reason for the expectation and our attaching happiness to it — then choose again. Choose to be present and flow with the actuality of what is unfolding right here and now.
Thanks for joining us.
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!